Bad Me

I did it......sudden burst of anger......something i hardly do and have not done for a long time. My victim?

Darling Rachel

As my fridge has run out of food supply and i had no time to go to market this week (got to go early morning before the car is being used by Dr lowly), my dad has been buying dinner home for us. And so last evening, we ordered Ba Chor Mee. He bought Lor Mee instead (he forgot).

I wasnt upset at all, just a little disappointed. Totally appreciative of his kindness in buying back from work. My only grouse is:

I never like Lor Mee. Probably only eaten once in my entire life, or rather just a sampling from a friend's bowl. I am not for the sticky feeling, the taste and everything.


Here's a recount of what happened within 1 min:

Rachel came home at the same time with her granddad and so she called me down to eat while it is hot. She was totally enthu coz we both like Ba Chor Mee. When she realised it was Lor Mee, being a sweet girl, she hid her disappointment and told her granddad it was ok. For me, i wasnt giving a "hey why you buy wrongly" kind of disgusted look. I was disappointed alright... if it was another type of mee that i do eat, it probably wouldnt affect me. But Lor Mee????

And so i just said to my dad in Cantonese "Oh, why you bought Lor Mee? You remembered wrongly" I was being kind too but i did say out his error, of which i thot it was just simple communication between two persons. My tone wasnt even blaming him. In fact, i behaved more like a disappointed girl.

Rachel picked up my discontentment and our exchange went like this

"Why? cannot eat is it?"
"Can"
"Huh? You dont like it right? Cannot eat right? What's wrong with it?" (words to that effect but in a teasing tone)
"Can. I can. I CAN!!!!!" (I raised my voice as i spoke my line)

I blew my top. I dont know why but i did it. I was shocked at my outpour but my pride prevented me to utter Sorry to her. It wasnt called for at all.

Our dinner together was rather quiet. I tried not to talk coz i was embarassed at my own reaction. Wished there was a hole to slip thro. While eating, i kept asking and urging myself to just say Sorry. It seemed so so hard. I was struggling to say that word and also trying to reflect what provoked me to do this.

My dad also brought back some vege dumplings made by the china girls employed by his company. Oh man... these were difficult to eat and swallow. Not nice at all. Tried to eat with ginger & vinegar but it just didnt taste good. Both of us didnt hestitate to tell him that the dumplings suck! Did have short conversation about this with Rachel and it was all. She talked to her granddad and i was a little withdrawn.

I was not my normal self tho.... usually i would say sorry and then get back on my feet. Last evening was different. And i somehow know why tho i didnt want to admit it. I have been upset since weekend, with events that happened around me and to me. In the youth terms, it would mean i have been emoing. I tried not to. I wanted to think about my problems in a constructive way to get out of it but no matter what or how i think, i ended up crying. It is something i have to handle myself.

After my food (it was so hard to eat the Lor Mee and i wont pretend here), left them talking and went up to my bedroom and cried out to God for forgiveness. I had behaved badly.... no matter what pressure or problems i am facing, i cannot pour it out on people i love. I felt like a rotten egg.. literally....and so disgusted with myself. Decided to send an e-card to Rachel to apologise. I have no excuse and i dont want to end my night like this. And darling, if you are reading this, I say SORRY to you once more :o(

Hendrick's short sharing during prayer meeting confirmed what i just experienced and have been telling myself. PEACE... God's PEACE.... i needed this and thank God for His Word which never fail to comfort & strengthen me.

Do i still face the problems... yes i do but i know my God will undertake for me. Please dont ask me what it is coz it is private. Utter a prayer for me when you read this and i appreciate that. THANKS :o)